Let Me Touch It!
by Azusasan
Summary: Revamped as of 03.06.06. Picard is his manly self, reading romantic Lemurian literature and screaming in a rather highpitched way, and Felix is learning how to use his wiles courtesy of Jenna to...do what seems to be inappropriate things to him.


**Let Me Touch It!**

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GAH. What kind of crack was I _on_ when I wrote this?

...Man, time for hefty revisions. :Rolls up sleeves:

_Disclaimer: Despite my mad mangling of GS canon and its characters... No, I don't own them._

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**Let Me Touch It!**

_Written by Azusasan, for the amusement of all fans of yaoi_

ooooo

Picard was lounging on the sofa, reading his Lemurian poetry...again. And he could only read it as long as Felix wasn't around. And said Venus adept had gone over to his sister's... and Picard could only hope for the best. Turning a page slowly, so as not to tear the delicate pages, he caught a glimpse of "Forbidden Love," his favorite that transcended all notions of time, when –

_BAM!_

Tssrrrp...

"GAAAH!" Picard cried as the page completely tore in half. He was still screaming when Felix flounced in, a goofy grin on his face. Yes, flounced. You know this means a number of bad things.

"Hi Picard!" He beamed, grinning from ear to ear.

"Felix! Why did you slam the door?" Should Picard have noticed, he would have started screaming again.

"Because, Picard... I've come to a discovery!"

The anger on his face burned away into great fear as he looked up at him. Felix was looking very... happy.

What did Jenna _feed_ him?

"I...What...kind of discovery?" He asked slowly, very, very cautiously.

"Something Jenna taught me!"

Picard stared, jaw completely slack and book forgotten.

"Something... Jenna... _taught_ you?" Picard squeaked. Felix nodded. "And that...would be?"

Felix was suddenly dead serious, the grin gone from his face.

"I want to touch it," he whispered, his voice soft but decidedly firm.

"...What?" Picard's eyes widened just a little bit further.

"Let me touch it, Picard... Let me make sweet love to it..."

"GAAAH!" Picard screamed. Felix leaped for him, but met hard floor as Picard dashed out the door, shrieking as girlishly as a hardy Lemurian sailor was wont to do. "_STAY AWAY!_"

Felix bounded up, not at all discouraged in the least. "Picard, wait! I just want to touch it!"

ooooo

Meanwhile...

ooooo

"What in the world are Felix and Picard yelling about now?" Isaac asked Mia, who shrugged. "It isn't about the cow business, I hope. That was a disaster the last time..."

Mia cocked her ear towards the open window, then grimaced.

"It's something worse..."

Isaac squinted.

"Yes, yes, it is... Mia, what are we supposed to do?" Isaac sighed sadly as a head of blue hair ran under their window, screaming for dear salvation. "Our children can't live in an environment like -- " He paused and beckoned to the window, where Felix could be heard shouting things of a very specific and rather inappropriate nature, " -- this!"

Mia sighed.

"We'll just have to work extra hard, I guess..."

Isaac smiled grimly. "I suppose so."

ooooo

Whereas our main characters...

ooooo

"Picaaard! You know you want me to!" Felix called, waving his arms about dramatically as he skipped rapidly after Picard.

"I DO NOT!" The Lemurian shrieked, eyes shut (a rather dangerous decision on his part) as he fled with all the strength that was in his body.

"Aww, Picard! You keep it away from everyone! Nobody ever touches it!"

"Exactly! I want to _KEEP_ IT THAT WAY!"

"Nobody will know!"

"You will! And that's enough to embarrass me for life!" Picard ducked under a low-hanging tree branch, yelping in pain when some of the twigs snagged in his hair.

"Life is a very long time for you, Picard!" Felix remarked candidly, leaping gracefully over a neighbor's poppy garden.

"Shut up, Felix!" He decided he had a very good reason if he chose to begin crying, but he squashed down the urge temporarily, deciding to let his emotions free once he was well away from Felix and reunited with his poetry.

"Let me touch it!"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"...Just..._because_! You do not DO that to another guy!" Honestly, Picard wondered, when had his mother failed to teach him any manners?

"Says who?"

"...I don't know... It's just _wrong!_ Especially to hear that from..._you_, of all people!"

"How so?"

"Felix!"

"What?"

Picard stopped running for dear mercy – his lungs were about to collapse anyway – and sat down at the base of a tree with a deep gasp for air. Felix sat next to him, eyes wide and innocent.

"You said Jenna taught this to you?"

"Yes."

"How so?"

"She demonstrated."

Picard paled again. "_WHAT_?"

"She demonstrated! It felt rather nice."

"Excuse me while I go vomit my meals from the past decade," Picard muttered under his breath, running his hands over his face and shuddering violently.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. And you want to do this to _me?_" He didn't know where he found the courage to continue, but he managed well enough.

"Yes!"

Picard dropped his head into his hands. "What makes me so special, Felix?"

"Well, Alex is gone... And Garet and Isaac will never let me go near theirs..."

"I'd imagine!" Picard wailed, wishing for once he was the hare-brained Garet. "Why can't you...bother with your own?"

"It's difficult."

Picard wanted to die right then and there. But wouldn't you, too? "Felix, I don't think I'm ready to take another step into our relationship like that."

"Oh, but, Picard! Just once! That's all I ask!"

Picard sighed. This was absolute suicide. But bothering with Felix for the rest of his sorry existence wasn't going to be very fun, either. He was a trooper. He was a _Lemurian sailor_, for Iris's sakes! He could do this! ...He hoped, anyway. "Let's go home, then."

"Yay!"

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At home...

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Picard sighed again as he sat down on his bed, feeling like a fluttery virgin (though that wasn't that far from the truth, in all honesty). Felix was grinning, rather maniacally, again. Picard lowered himself onto his back slowly, deliberately, keeping his eyes away from Felix's. Felix prodded him onto his side, and with a thought to kill Jenna later for instilling her domineering nature into her own brother, Picard rolled over onto his stomach.

"It's easier if you sit up, you know." Felix said. Grumbling obscenities that Felix thankfully knew no meaning of, being Lemurian, he obliged.

Picard felt a nice warmth pressed up against him. It left soon after, however.

"Felix, I..."

"Hm?"

Picard saw a piece of blue and gold flutter to the ground. He blinked.

"Finally..." He heard Felix gasp, rather wantonly, "I get to touch it, stroke it, sink my teeth into it..."

"What!" He wanted so desperately to jerk away, but Felix's arm, tight around his middle, prevented any means of escape.

Felix nuzzled the back of his neck as...

...he pulled the tie holding back Picard's hair free.

Picard fishmouthed for a very long time before his voice returned to him. "Felix, you wanted to touch my hair?"

"Uh huh," Felix murmured bemusedly as he ran a hand through the silky blue locks, purring happily.

"Not my..."

"Oh, that's gross, Picard." He snorted, rolling his eyes. "And gods know the fun we had during Christmas was enough to last a lifetime."

Picard gaped, at a complete loss for words.

Then he fainted. (As masculine Lemurian sailors have a tendency to do, let me tell you.)

ooooo

At Jenna's house...

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"You taught your brother WHAT?" Garet asked, eyes wide. Jenna laughed, slightly restrained to prevent him from fleeing in terror.

"I call it the seduction of HAIR!"

"And he's using that on whom?"

"Picard, I think."

Garet blinked.

"Are we supposed to be hearing those moans?" He pointed out the window, raising his eyebrows and grimacing.

She shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest proudly. "I guess I taught Felix rather well, then!"

Garet paused a moment.

"Can you do that with me?"

Jenna glanced back at him, eyeing what he had.

"Sure."

"Cool!"

ooooo

**Ende**

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OH EM GEE AZU IS A PERVERT

...What else is new.


End file.
